What Defines Me…

Today is my birthday.

Which, honestly, I haven’t cared much about for most of my adult life. But this year feels a little different for obvious reasons. If they’re not obvious, maybe go read a few of the earlier posts.

I don’t really remember doing anything for my birthday last year. I was in the middle of chemo, I know that much, but beyond that I don’t think I did much of anything.

This year I took the day off, mostly turned my phone off, and spent a couple of hours reading at my favorite coffee shop with Tugboat. It was awesome.

That’s about the most exciting—or even interesting—thing that’s happened over the last couple of weeks, and honestly, that’s kind of nice.

I’ve finished the first round of my clinical trial, and I don’t have any data yet that tells me whether it’s working. Surprisingly, that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as I thought it would.

I think that has something to do with a conversation I had at the hospital.

While I was waiting in the infusion center, I ended up talking with an older man whose cancer was much further along than mine. He was one of those guys who just wanted to pass along a little wisdom, and considering I usually need all the help I can get, I was happy to listen.

He only really gave me one piece of advice.

“Don’t let your life be defined by cancer, no matter what happens.”

I’ve thought about that conversation a lot.

It’s probably part of the reason I haven’t written much lately. I’ve noticed that telling people my cancer isn’t gone tends to generate pity more than anything else, and that kind of sucks.

I don’t really want to be pitied.

I’d much rather be admired for not letting this shit break me.

Which is funny to write because that’s basically the mantra of the main character in the Dungeon Crawler Carl series—the audiobooks that have gotten me through more long drives to and from the hospital than just about anything else.

I’d try to explain the premise, but you’d probably decide I have a brain tumor in addition to colon cancer. You’re better off reading a synopsis or watching a couple of YouTube clips.

But the main character’s mantra is simple:

“You will not break me.”

He’s talking about the monsters trying to kill him, but he’s also talking about the baggage he’s carried his whole life. It’s a little cheesy, sure.

I still love it.

It’s become a pretty good mantra for me, too.

My buddy Mike even got me a sign with those words on it for my birthday. It’ll probably end up hanging somewhere private in my house where I can see it on the days I need the reminder. I have to assume there are still a few of those days ahead.

But they won’t be anything I can’t handle.

For now, things are about as good as can reasonably be expected.

Round two of the trial starts next week, and after that I’ll have a much better idea whether it’s doing what we all hope it’s doing.

Either way, it won’t break me.

And I think it’s time I started writing more about the things that define me a whole lot better than this cancer shit ever will.

Ending on a colon caner pun still feels right…