Life in the Stupid Lane

I’m currently perched in a small window sill on the 7th floor of MD Anderson’s main building, drinking a below-average iced latte and listening to Blur’s Song 2. Out the window, I’m watching people and traffic pass by, soaking in a small moment of peace before I head in to talk with my colorectal surgeon.

There’s a sticker on my laptop that makes me laugh every time I see it. It says:
“This too shall pass, but like HOLY S**T.”
Honestly, that might be the most accurate mantra I’ve ever encountered.

I didn’t post an update yesterday—not because there wasn’t news, but because I didn’t want to let frustration and anger misrepresent it.

Yesterday included a CT scan, a visit with a geneticist, and then a meeting with my radiation oncologist. Let’s start with the good news: the cancer hasn’t spread and hasn’t ruptured the colon wall. That’s a win. That should have been the headline.

But that wasn’t the only news I got.

I also learned that an ostomy bag is unavoidable. Even if it’s temporary, it’s still a bag attached to the front of my stomach. From a personal and psychological standpoint, that hit me hard. It’s… well, shitty news. (Yes, pun intended.)

Then came the treatment schedule—turns out, I’ve been wildly optimistic. I had pictured myself done with radiation by the end of October, surgery by mid-November, and back to normal life in time for Thanksgiving.

Turns out, I suck at estimations. No surprise to Jeremy or anyone on my team at work who’s seen my feature timelines.

Here’s what the actual plan looks like: surgery for the ostomy bag on September 23, followed by 10 days of recovery, then five and a half weeks of radiation—with chemo during that time. Neither the duration nor the chemo were part of my original mental draft. After that, I’ll need a few weeks to recover before undergoing surgery to remove whatever’s left. And then, likely, eight rounds of harsh chemo to clean up anything hiding elsewhere in my body.

Which means… I’m in this until sometime next year.

So yeah, I didn’t write yesterday because it would’ve been a rambling stream of curse words, a bad pun, and then more swearing. I try to limit the profanity, if only to avoid getting a call from my mom about my language.

So that brings me to today, sitting in this window sill with my latte and my music. Cooler heads have prevailed. The anger’s dulled, and the question now is: what’s next?

Well, now I move forward.
The ostomy bag is coming—I’ll deal with it.
I’ll be staying in Houston for at least the next five or six weeks. Other than my buddy Dave and his son, I won’t be seeing many people in person while I adjust to this “crap bag” (last pun, I swear).

Then comes radiation and chemo, and I’ll get through that too. Because none of this—not cancer, not a bag, not even the damn chemo—gets to dictate how I live my life. No more than diabetes or anything else I’ve faced so far.

As I write this, I can feel my mood already shifting—upward. That happens a lot, especially when I write while listening to some good old rage rock. Korn, Tool, Pantera, Deftones… you get it. It’s shockingly therapeutic for me.

There’ve been some surprising, meaningful moments recently that I’m genuinely proud of.

At work, a senior leader invited me to give a safety message during an all-hands meeting—a big deal kind of event. Naturally, I got up and talked about cancer screening and how important it is. I managed to squeeze in a few jokes and, yes, a couple of curse words. Very professional… for me, anyway.

What followed was overwhelming: messages of love, support, shared stories—and most importantly, people showing me they were getting screened. That meant the world.

If this experience leads to even a handful of people I know (or just met) getting screened and catching something early—or avoiding it altogether—then this shitty process has another silver lining.

Also: my older brother continues to show up in huge ways. Everyone has, truly. But having a sibling who works in genetic oncology and knows how to navigate this mess? That’s been invaluable. He’s helped steer my treatment in ways only an expert can. I’m beyond grateful for that.

Next, I need to find a place to live in Houston—probably in Montrose so Tugboat (my dog) has some stuff to do. I’ll pack up some cookware, pick out the books and video games I want to bring, and try to make the most of the time.

If I’m lucky, I’ll spend it gaming, reading, resting, cooking, maybe even studying a bit. Hopefully not going crazy in a city that still feels kind of alien, alone except for Tugboat.

Normally I’d be excited about living somewhere new—meeting people, trying food and coffee spots—but with the ostomy bag situation, I’m not sure how social I’ll be. We’ll see. Time will tell.

But for now, all I need to do is get through today.
And then see what tomorrow has in store.

For the past two weeks, I haven’t had much to say—at least not anything worth writing down. No big updates. No medical drama. Just a slow, weird limbo where I’ve existed between cautious hope and quiet dread. So, I didn’t blog.

But tomorrow, that all changes.

Tomorrow kicks off two full days of progress scans and appointments—CTs, scopes, bloodwork, and a lovely lineup of doctors ready to poke, prod, and pronounce how the last eight weeks have gone. It’s a lot. There’s the “scope,” which is as undignified as ever, and somehow always manages to feel like the lowest moment of an already surreal process.

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been bouncing somewhere between nervously excited and scared to death about these appointments. Because the truth is: I have no real idea where I stand. None. I’d love to say I’m confident that things are trending in the right direction, but… I just can’t. Not honestly. There have been new aches, strange discomforts—things that might be nothing, but my brain doesn’t do “might.” It races straight to the worst-case scenario. Is it something? Is it nothing? I don’t know yet. And not knowing is exhausting.

Here’s what I do know: I’m hoping they’ll tell me the cancer has shrunk and that there’s no sign of spread. That would mean I could avoid the ostomy bag—at least for now—as I head into radiation. That’s the best-case scenario, and while I don’t expect it, I’m holding onto it with cautious fingers. The more likely outcome? The tumor hasn’t spread, but it also hasn’t shrunk much either, and the bag is unavoidable. That’s what I’m preparing myself for.

People—good, supportive, well-meaning people—have tried to reassure me. “It won’t be that bad,” they say. “It’s short term.” I know they’re trying their best to help me see the upside in a situation that, frankly, is just complete shit. Pun absolutely intended. But here’s the deal: there’s no neat silver lining here that I can wrap myself in. Not yet.

That said, I’ll be living in Houston during this phase, and maybe that’s something of a silver lining. I won’t be running into familiar faces or fielding uncomfortable questions about the bag or how it works or what it’s like. Not that my friends would ever ask so directly. But anyone reading this knows that I’d end up talking about it anyway—because I have no boundaries. So maybe a little isolation in Houston is a gift in disguise. We’ll see.

Tonight, I’m back in the same hotel room where this whole thing began. I’m staring out the same window, across at the glowing MD Anderson sign, wondering if tomorrow will be another one of those seminal moments in this messy, brutal, beautiful fight. I hope so.

For now, it’s late. I’ve got a good book to keep me company—My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante—and two long days ahead that I’m trying very hard not to overthink.

No, I haven’t lost my optimism. It’s still here. Just a little guarded right now, as tomorrow inches closer.

It’s Monday night, and I am officially done with chemotherapy—three hours ago, I took my pump off for the eighth and (hopefully) final time. This is definitely a reason to celebrate, and I’m happy to have this part behind me. But let’s be real: I’m far, far from through with all the crap—pun intended.

Next up are scans, then 30 days of radiation, and finally surgery. With scans coming in about three weeks, my mind now has plenty of time to wander into dark places filled with “what ifs.” What if the chemo didn’t work and the cancer has spread? What if the tumor hasn’t shrunk and I end up needing an ostomy bag for a while? Or worst of all—what if I need more chemo? These thoughts creep in whenever I’m idle, and since I’ll soon be on FMLA during radiation (living in Houston with no clue what to expect), I know there’s a lot of idle time ahead.

Normally, I’d be thrilled for a little downtime. But in this situation, I’ve been trying to figure out how to keep myself busy—beyond reading and exercising—so I don’t fall into the “what if” trap. Naturally, I decided on two things: diving deeper into security and AI, and… cooking.

Yeah, you read that right. Cooking.

Let me be clear: I am not a cook. But in anticipation of becoming a world-class chef who specializes in the greatest chicken biscuit sandwich on earth, I went out and bought a mountain of high-end cooking gear. Knives, stainless steel pots and pans, a fancy baking pan, a mixer, a blender, a spice grinder (don’t ask—I don’t know why either), and about thirty other gadgets I was convinced would turn me into Gordon Ramsay overnight. The goal? To make a chicken biscuit sandwich so good it cures both cancer and diabetes. Ambitious? Sure. But hey, what’s the point of goals if they aren’t stretch goals?

Of course, I quickly learned the hard truth: tools don’t instantly make you a good chef. My “plan” was off to a pretty shitty start—pun again intended. But I wasn’t about to be deterred. I went back to Williams Sonoma, where I’d bought all my gear, and struck up a conversation with a woman running a cooking demo. One thing led to another, and suddenly I had a chef coming over to give me private cooking lessons.

So far, on my quest toward the super-chicken-biscuit, we started with knife skills and made shrimp scampi. And let me tell you—it was really good.

Now, instead of letting my mind drift to all those dark places, I find it wandering toward food—or buried in cookbooks. I don’t know if that’s necessarily “better,” but at least it keeps me distracted and gives me something to focus on until the next scan, and until I move on to the next phase of this cancer crap.

I’m not sure if cooking will end up being a new passion or just a distraction, but for now it’s giving me something to focus on other than the “what ifs.” And honestly, if the worst thing I come out of this with is a killer chicken biscuit recipe… I’ll take it.

It’s late Sunday, and while I don’t have much to update on my current condition—other than to say things are steady—I did want to share something that’s been on my mind after a few recent conversations with friends. They pointed out that this blog has a pretty overtly optimistic tone. And honestly, they’re right. I tend to lean hard into the hopeful, the upbeat, and the bright side.

That doesn’t mean the dark moments don’t exist. They’re very real. There are the four-hours or more a day I spend in the restroom because my body’s operating system is currently controlled by what has to be a psychopath with split personalities and ADHD. There are the days at the gym when my body betrays me—when I see and feel how far I’ve fallen from what I was a year ago—so much so that I sneak outside to work out, not wanting people to see me on the verge of tears. And then there are the late nights, when I can’t quiet my mind from looping through vivid images of my own funeral and asking what God really has in store for me through all of this.

But here’s the thing: those moments, as heavy as they are, don’t stick the way you might think. More often than not, they force me to take stock of the good that surrounds me. The friends—both old and new—who keep showing up. Tugboat snoring at the end of the bed, finally deciding I’m worth a little love. The fact that I can still exercise, even if not the way I used to. Hearing someone say I inspire them, which still blows my mind because a year ago you wouldn’t have found anyone betting on me to inspire anyone about anything. The stack of books gifted to me, the daily kindness from people curious about this journey, the food I’m learning to cook (even if I can’t eat it yet—I’ll save the chef stories for another post). The quiet mornings with coffee, watching the Austin breeze slip through the buildings. Conversations about faith, family, and life itself.

All of that dwarfs the bad. It’s why optimism keeps winning on the page.

And while I was writing this, one truth crystallized more than anything else—other than maybe realizing just how much Ryan really loves her cookies (s story for another time): I don’t just have a lot to look forward to when this cancer bullshit is finally over. I’m also finding real value in the journey itself. Yes, treatment sucks—really sucks—and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But learning to be present in the now, to pause and actually feel grateful for all these small, good things instead of sprinting toward the next milestone, may be the greatest gift in all of this.

So, does that make sense? Maybe it sounds over the top, but it’s the truth. And because it’s the truth, I’ll keep writing about the good that keeps showing up on this shitty journey—pun very much intended—that is my damn cancer. But I also won’t hide the bad. Both exist, both matter, and I’ll keep sharing them. It’s just that, for me, the good outweighs the bad—and hopefully, it always will.

There’s a moment in the Bible that’s always stuck with me. Jesus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, knowing what’s about to come, prays:

“My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass me by. Nevertheless, let it be as You, not I, would have it.”

He knew the agony that was coming—and still said yes.

This past weekend, I had my seventh round of chemotherapy, and let me tell you… if there was ever a time I wished the cup could pass, it was this one.

The day started out like any other chemo day. Long drive to Houston. Two different nausea drugs. One steroid injection. Then oxaliplatin—the drug whose name I still can’t spell without consulting a pharmacist. Every medication I get (besides insulin) looks like someone lost a Scrabble game but tried to win anyway by adding 85 consonants and a sprinkling of vowels.

The first thirty minutes were uneventful. I watched YouTube cooking videos of foods I can’t eat anymore—because apparently I enjoy self-torture told through Chicago deep dish pizza—and let the drip do its work.

Then I mentioned to a nurse that I was feeling a little itchy. That’s when things escalated—fast, really really fast.

In seconds, nine nurses and doctors were in the room. There was what I think was a crash cart, a lot of rapid medical chatter, and a quick mention that I was “bright red” with a heart rate pushing 200 bpm. Before I could panic, they gave me something that made me feel tipsy for a hot second, and then—lights out.

Three hours later, I woke up to find my chemo nearly finished. They’d pulled the offending drug, wrapped up the rest, and sent me off to a hotel bed where I fell asleep again, early stomach pain already creeping in.

The next day, I felt well enough to drive home to Austin—thanks to Super Cruise doing most of the work—and collapsed into more sleep. By the time I disconnected my chemo pump (no complications this round, which is its own small miracle), I caught myself thinking how normal it feels now to pull a needle out of my chest after it’s been pumping poison into my heart. It’s a thought I never imagined I’d have, much less write down.

Then I made a big mistake: fish tacos. Something i never thought could be a mistake…

If you’re wondering what doesn’t go well with colon cancer that’s already blocking part of your intestines… it’s Cabo Bob’s fish tacos. The hungry side of my brain won the battle over the sensible side, and within hours, I was praying  that prayer Jesus did in the Garden of Gethsemane, myself.

It’s strange, the places your mind wanders at 3 a.m. when your body is twisted in pain. I’ve stumbled plenty during this cancer journey, but when there’s nowhere else to turn, I turn to prayer. I’m not going to pretend it always “works” in the way I hope—it rarely does. And this time, it really didn’t.

I spent three days in and out of pain, talking to God in the quiet spaces between waves of nausea and cramps. For me, faith isn’t a magic fix. It’s that constant handhold i grab on to in the good times and especially the bad times, to help me endure whatever God has planned.

Relief finally came, but it took time. I haven’t eaten much in nearly a week, and my energy’s low, but I’ll get back to whatever passes for “normal” these days. Tonight, I’ll have some water, maybe a little ice cream, and thank God I made it through Round Seven.

I don’t know what Round Eight will bring. But I do know this: if I can get through this cup, I can get through the next one.

Tomorrow is round seven of eight.
Seven. Of. Eight.
If chemo were a Netflix series, I’d be in that part of the season where all the plot lines are starting to converge, but you still have to get through the second-to-last episode before you can breathe.

The past ten days have been… boring. And that’s not a complaint—it’s been beautifully, gloriously boring. No drama. No big setbacks. Just the kind of everyday life that, before cancer, I barely noticed. I didn’t write because I figured no one wanted to hear about the deeply unremarkable things I was doing. But then I remembered: when you’ve got cancer, silence often sounds like trouble.

So here’s the truth—nothing’s wrong. It’s just been quiet. And in my world, quiet is a win.

That quiet did get interrupted by a birthday, though. I usually treat birthdays like any other day. Not because I’m against cake (God forbid) or aging (I am getting old which is odd to realize), but because most years it just doesn’t feel special. This year was different.

I woke up early, took myself to The Carpenter Hotel, and drank coffee while Tugboat flopped on the floor like the lazy corgi he is, occasionally standing up to collect pets from strangers. The scene was so perfectly simple it felt as though it were out of a good book—me, coffee, a dog who thinks the universe exists solely to rub his ears and belly.

At noon, I wandered into BookPeople, bought a few books, and felt a flicker of something I hadn’t realized I’d been missing: anticipation. It’s a strange kind of hope, knowing I have stories waiting for me in both the near and far future.

Dinner was soup dumplings with my gym friends—the same people who were there in Montenegro when the first hints of trouble appeared. They’ve been constant in ways I can’t fully explain—equal parts encouragement, distraction, and accountability. And sharing dumplings with them felt like life’s quiet way of saying, See? You’re still here. You’re still you.

Throughout the day, my phone kept lighting up with calls and messages. In other years, I’d smile, say thanks, and move on. This year, I let the weight of them sink in. Behind each message was a little pocket of love, a reminder that people stopped their busy lives to think of me. Maybe it’s the cancer, maybe it’s just getting older, but those moments felt heavier—in the best possible way.

By the time the day ended, I realized I hadn’t just celebrated a birthday. I’d celebrated being alive in the middle of it all. And I’d felt more gratitude in 24 hours than I have in most years combined.

So tomorrow, I’ll go back to MD Anderson. I’ll sit in the chair, get the IV, watch the chemo drip in. But I’ll do it with a smile. Because I’m not just fighting cancer—I’m surrounded by an army. You’ve encouraged me, prayed for me, reached out, laughed with me, and made this long road a little less lonely.

See you next round.

Round six. I’m back in this tiny hospital bed again—hooked up to machines with lights and beeps and tubes that all have one job: to pump poison straight into my heart and call it healing. Usually, the room hums with the kind of clinical chaos that makes you feel like a walking science experiment.

But not today.

Today, my buddy Don handed me a lifeline: Explosions in the Sky. I knew the music from Friday Night Lights, but couldn’t have named the band if my life depended on it. Now, they’re scoring my treatment session, and the beeping machines fade into the background. (And Ed, don’t get any ideas—just because I’m using this music to ignore the noise doesn’t mean you get to use it to ignore me. I’m not that easy to tune out.)

This is the part of treatment where the whispers usually start—the ones that say, Maybe this is the round that breaks you. Maybe this is the one where your hair falls out, or you spend the week hugging a toilet. The annoying thing is, chemo doesn’t follow rules. Just because the last round went okay doesn’t mean this one will. It’s like playing roulette with your body—spin the wheel, see what symptom you land on.

But despite all that, I’ve been lucky. And I keep choosing to believe I’ll keep being lucky, even when doubt keeps tugging at my sleeve with no off switch.

The strange thing is, cancer hasn’t just brought pain. It’s also brought people. Reconnected me with old friends, unearthed forgotten bonds, reminded me that time is a lousy excuse for losing touch. There’s this quote you see online: Friends come into your life for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. I used to like that one. Now I just disagree with it. Because when I look around, I see a whole bunch of people who’ve come into my life for a reason—and somehow stuck around for a lifetime.

People I haven’t spoken to in years are suddenly back—calling, texting, showing up. And here’s the beautiful part: it doesn’t feel weird. It doesn’t feel forced. It’s like no time has passed at all. Sure, life’s changed—jobs, kids, moves, marriages—but the friendship hasn’t. It’s still there. Still solid. Like it was just waiting for us to pick it back up again.

And yeah, it sucks that cancer had to be the reason. But honestly, I don’t really care what the reason is. I care that they showed up.

So here I am. Round six. A few more hours to go. I don’t feel like I got hit by a truck. I just keep waiting to see if one’s coming. There’s a difference.

And while I’m sitting here getting pumped full of medicine, I’m also listening to good music, texting with old friends, and queuing up Happy Gilmore 2. Because if I can’t be back in college eating bad pizza with no responsibilities, at least I can pretend for a couple hours.

There’s still good in the middle of all this garbage. Sometimes you just have to look for it. Sometimes it shows up on its own.

I’m sitting on my couch—the same one I’ve been sleeping on for the last couple of nights—because I’ve let a few simple adult responsibilities slide longer than I’d normally care to admit. Things like taking the bed sheets out of the dryer and actually putting them on the bed. I really hate trying to wrangle a duvet cover onto a comforter. For some reason, it’s one of those frustrating tasks that always feels harder than it should, even when life isn’t upside down.

Tugboat, of course, loves it. He seems to think I’ve officially surrendered the bed to him. Which is pretty damn selfish, considering he already has a bed in the living room, a nest in the closet, and a small bed on the floor in the bedroom. He does not need a fourth option. But I’ve had a lot on my mind the past few days—mostly the looming threat of a colostomy bag and the fact that I hadn’t been using the restroom much at all. And when that’s weighing on your brain, changing sheets just doesn’t rank high on the priority list. Sleeping on the couch felt easier.

The good news—without getting into too much detail—is that I may be able to avoid the colostomy bag for now. I finally started using the restroom a bit more in the last day or so, thanks to a nasty concoction called Magnesium Citrix. Things… shifted. If you’re curious about the specifics, I suggest doing your own Google research. As open as I am about this crazy shit—pun intended—called cancer, I draw the line at giving a play-by-play of my bathroom schedule. And honestly, if you are craving more detail than that, you might want to ask yourself what’s wrong with you.

Even when things start to improve, it usually takes me a few days to get off the couch and return to something resembling normal life. This time it took a little longer. A colostomy bag is a heavy thing to sit with mentally, even if it hasn’t become a physical reality. But slowly, the routines that make me feel like myself begin to resurface.

The first and most immediate one is the gym. As meathead as this sounds, getting under a barbell really helps. Sure, my body is failing me in ways that are frustrating—everything that shouldn’t feel heavy absolutely does—but it doesn’t matter. Squatting, benching, cleaning, and pressing feel both terrible and amazing at the same time, and I’m grateful for that contradiction. I’ll be even more grateful when Yanelle, Dean, and John are back, because there’s something healing about suffering with friends around. Even if they’re roasting you mercilessly for it. It’s normal. And it feels good.

Reading also helps. There’s a quiet kind of peace in it. I’ve been working my way through a book backlog that grew wildly out of control over the past eighteen months. Right now, I’m reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, and it’s amazing. Sitting in a coffee shop with a book is how I’ve always pictured my retired life. Granted, I imagined it in a small Italian beach town, but for now, the Carpenter Hotel’s coffee shop in Austin is a solid placeholder.

There are a lot of things that help restore a sense of normalcy—but maybe none more than finding someone else who needs help. That might sound odd or sentimental or surprising, but nothing, and I mean nothing, takes my mind off my own crap—second and final pun of the post—like stepping in to help someone else. Lately, that someone has been my little brother. I won’t go into his story because it’s not mine to tell, but I’m incredibly thankful to God to be in a place where I can help him and his family. That simple act of being useful has made all the difference in how I feel right now.

So, with that said, it’s time to change the sheets, kick Tugboat off the bed and into one of his other three beds, and stop sleeping on the couch—at least for now.  Goodnight…

here’s this YouTube clip I saw — I think it was stolen from a movie with Morgan Freeman — where someone asks: When you pray for strength, do you think God just gives you strength, or does He give you the opportunity to develop strength? I don’t know the answer to that question. Probably won’t for certain until this life is over. But I like the idea all the same. I bring this up because this week, more than any other, I’ve needed that idea to be true. I’ve needed this week to mean something — to be something. And I’m hoping all of it is exactly that: an opportunity to build strength, and trust, and faith in God.

Let me start with the good news: Round five of chemo went well. Like, really well. No symptoms during treatment, no side effects after. So that part? Great. But here’s where that strength-and-trust prayer kicks in.

Without being too graphic (but let’s be real, I have colon cancer — there’s no such thing as too graphic anymore), the whole “food goes in, food comes out” system is kind of…failing me. In the past two weeks, I’ve used the restroom twice. Twice. I’ll let you imagine what that’s like without getting into more detail. Or maybe don’t imagine it — you’re welcome either way.

Last week I had an MRI and CT scan. I thought I understood what the doctors said at the time, but apparently I didn’t — which, in my defense, is understandable considering I was being anally probed by three women while they were explaining things. Multitasking has never been my strong suit, especially when it involves literal ass work.

Turns out, the tumor hasn’t shrunk at all. Big suck. But, the chemo is doing what it’s supposed to: it’s keeping the cancer from spreading. That’s the job right now — and the doctors weren’t expecting shrinkage (pause for Seinfeld reference) this early in the process anyway. Still, I didn’t catch that the first time. Probably because again: three women, one rectum. You try focusing.

So, here’s where it all leads: Unless there’s a miracle, I’m heading toward a colostomy bag — even if just temporarily, maybe for three months or so. And yeah, I know, in the grand scheme of things, that’s not that long. People live decades with colostomy bags. People thrive with them. And I’m lucky to even have options like this. But psychologically? That shit is hard.

I can’t wrap my head around having a bag of crap hanging off the outside of my body. How do I sleep with that? Exercise? Go out in public? Sure, maybe it can be hidden — but I’ll still feel it. I’ll still know it’s there. And the worst part? I don’t even know how to make a joke about it yet.

That is when I know I’m not dealing with something well — when I can’t make light of it. Humor is usually my default, my safety valve. And right now, even the jokes feel stuck. Just like, well… everything else.

But — and this is important — I’ll get there. I always do. I just don’t know when or how, and that’s the hard part. So if you ask me how I’m doing and I say “shitty,” know that I’m trying to laugh about all this shit, but I’m not quite there yet.

All in all, I’m still doing fine. I just wish God had chosen a slightly less shitty way to give me the chance to develop more strength and trust. (That was a good joke… I think.) Sorry for all the cussing, Mom. =)

And who knows — maybe the fact that I managed to make this many jokes in one post is a sign I’m finally starting to deal with it. One step at a time.

Ask ChatGPT

I don’t usually write these updates mid-chemo. If I’m quiet, it’s usually a good sign—like, I’m vertical and life isn’t completely falling apart. But this week? Not one of the good ones.

I’ve made the Houston pilgrimage twice in a single week. First was Tuesday and Wednesday. Then again Saturday morning—chemo at 12:30, back in the car by 7pm. Drove myself home. Total genius move. Nothing like a solo seven-hour road trip after a poison drip to really let the existential dread marinate.

Physically, I felt okay. But mentally? I had way too much time alone to think about all of this.

Let me say this upfront, because it matters: the chemo is working. It’s doing the crucial job of keeping the cancer from spreading. That’s huge. That’s the line in the sand, and right now, it’s holding.

But the tumor itself? Not shrinking. Not growing either—but no visible change. And that part’s frustrating.

Last time I wrote, I mentioned that the tumor might be shrinking, just not in the “right” way. That was based on a conversation or two. Then I got the actual MRI and CT scan reports. And in black-and-white medical speak, they both say: “no significant change.”

So now I’m in that fun gray area between what I thought I was told and what the scans actually say. I’ve sent some notes to my surgeon to get clarification, but so far, silence.

Which left me with 400 miles of highway and a full tank of mental rabbit holes.

The first one: what happens if these next four rounds of chemo don’t budge the tumor? Answer: radiation. And with that, potentially, a colostomy bag—hopefully temporary, but still. That thought alone spun me out for a bit. I don’t handle stuff being stuck to me very well. IVs, glucose monitors, whatever—my brain doesn’t like it. The idea of a bag glued to my side catching waste? That’s a tough one to process.

Then came rabbit hole number two, courtesy of a single sentence in my MRI report: Mesorectal fascia: 2mm.

Translation: the tumor is just two millimeters away from breaking through the rectal wall. That’s not a buffer; that’s a breath. That’s where your thoughts go from, “Okay, we’re managing,” to “Cancer’s about to blow through the wall and set up shop everywhere else while I’m stuck in Houston traffic.”

And even though I know my body hasn’t betrayed me yet—that the chemo is holding the line—I still catch myself wondering: Is this the pain that means it’s spreading? Is this cramp something I should be worried about? Will I know if something breaks loose? Can I bounce back if it does?

There are no clean answers. Just the uncertainty.

And I try not to dwell in that space. But solo drives are where those thoughts multiply.

Eventually, I’ll put on music or an audiobook to drown it out. Buck-ee’s used to be my reward stop—grab something greasy and stupid—but now I can’t eat a single thing there. I miss their beaver nuggets like they were an old friend.

So instead, I blast the music. Grunge from the late ’90s and early 2000s. Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, Social Distortion. Or I lean hard into The Gaslight Anthem and all of Brian Fallon’s other bands—The Horrible Crows, his solo stuff. It’s become my mental ripcord. I pull it when the spiral starts.

And tonight, I’m not driving. I’m home. I’m on my couch, chemo pump clipped to me, watching a sunset burn across the West Austin sky. It’s round five, and so far, I feel okay. No nausea. No crash. Just a Diet Coke in my hand (my one allowed per week), a few tacos still on the “approved” list, and a moment of stillness I didn’t expect to get.

People have come out of the woodwork to support me—old friends, distant friends, friends of friends. Some praying, some checking in, some just reading these posts. It all matters.

This week wasn’t great. Mentally, it was rough. But the chemo’s holding. The cancer’s not spreading. And right now, that’s enough.

Next time, I’ll talk more about what chemo actually feels like. A lot of people ask. But tonight, I’ll finish this Diet Coke, sit in this quiet moment, and thank God I’m still here—two millimeters and all.